Working Hard At Doing Nothing

He would spend months working on a lecture; reading, thinking and taking vast amounts of notes. He would continue making countless drafts, up until the last hours before the lecture. He would always wish that he had just a few more hours to prepare, those few hours that would have made all the difference.

And then he’d go and give his lecture, and he would see that no one understood what he was trying to do, that he sounded vague and obscure and that everyone thought that he was completely unprepared.

Then he would start feeling like he was a fake, he would believe it; that all his efforts, all his reading and writing, were really one big charade. That in fact he was just working very hard at doing nothing.

And then he would remind himself that he had to give it form, that he had to make more effort to make it intelligible. And he would forget the promise that he makes to himself every time; the promise that there would not be another time.